Dealing with shame.

Dealing with shame is a difficult and delicate process. Paradoxically in order to heal our shame we need to expose it. Everyone to some degree experiences shame. When the world fails to fulfill our desires, shame develops as a result of interpersonal disconnection. At these times we are exposed, cut off and separated by the responses to our requests. These responses range from confusion and misunderstanding to anger, judgment and humiliation. This leaves us feeling that what we want is unwelcome and disgusting. We develop a connection to our desires and ultimately ourselves as shameful. As a result of our shame, and in an effort to prevent our self from experiencing the shame, we disown these aspects of ourselves. Therapy is a process, which turns this around, and we learn that we are not shameful or vile. It is a catch 22 in that we don’t want anyone to really see into our deepest darkest secrets, and at the same time we just want to be ok as we are. The relationship with a therapist or getting close to anyone, can feel terrifying when we anticipate these aspects of our self being seen. Conversely, when we feel the loving acceptance of a therapist it can feel incredibly relieving, and supports us to be who we are. It is when we feel vulnerable and that we need others that our shame is challenged the most.  A defensive “I can deal with it by myself” is another way to protect oneself from feeling our shame.  We may maintain this position to prevent the possibility of discovering what we fear to be true – that is that I am not ok! It takes courage to enter into a process that explores inner experiences. It is understandable that if you could maintain control over experiencing difficult emotions such as shame, you would. However, this is likely to continue to create a split between what you present on the outside and what you feel on the inside, leaving you with a feeling of disconnection from yourself and others.