Turning Point Therapy

When Hurtful Words are Harming a Relationship

Chris Bitten, Registered Clinical Counsellor

Couples, friends and family can get locked into defensive/offensive exchanges that hurt both parties.  This article describes two tools to use for slowing down the painful exchanges so that there is a chance for deeper, more connected communication to take place.  It closes with some thoughts on healing a painful interaction through apology.  The tools are mainly aimed at intimate relationships, but they can be very effective in other relationships as well.

Roughness Alerts

This is a useful technique to alert your partner that you have experienced something he or she has said as a disruption to warm, tender communication.  You may experience the disruption in your body before you experience it in your emotions or thinking (for example, a feeling like anxious “butterflies” in your stomach, or a facial flush of anger).  Your gently-stated alert to your partner could go something like this: That felt a bit rough to me.  Could you put it another way?”

We all want to be communicated with in gentle, respectful ways in our close relationships.  Roughness invites defensiveness and retaliation – and more roughness.  The roughness alert is a way of stopping – or at least slowing — such a negative interchange.

Your partner could have spoken to you, or you may have spoken to him or her, more like a critical parent or a child than an adult.  Communication works better if it’s an “adult to adult” interchange. 

If you are the recipient of a roughness alert, try not to criticize your partner as “too sensitive”.  Obviously this will lead nowhere good.  Honour how he or she perceived you and scale back to gentleness without being defensive.  We all come across in ways we are not aware of at times; your bringing this into awareness and considering a change in behaviour is very powerful for your partner.  Simply try your message again after the alert, remembering how important kindness is to a successful relationship. The aim of communication is to get past defenses, not stimulate them.  The roughness alert aims at avoiding unproductive conflict and building intimacy, but if it’s not successful and the conflict threatens to escalate painfully, try using the following tool:

Structured time out

Anytime either is feeling overwhelmed by a feeling such as anger or frustration (one’s own or the other person’s), he or she can call a time out — for self-calming and maybe a walk around the block to burn off stress hormones. .  It’s effective to state you’re angry (or sad or scared or hurt), but taking it out on the other doesn’t work.  The time out is taken to avoid the “acting out” (also called “dumping” or “venting”) that is beyond a simple statement of emotion: making angry, shaming or hurtful remarks.  Agree ahead of time on the length of the time out and come back on time.  A twenty minute time out has been found effective by many couples, but figure out what time limit works best for you both; some people take longer to settle down than others. No last minute remarks — just respect the need if your partner calls a time out. 

Time outs shouldn’t be used to hurt or reject the other person or as part of the “silent treatment”.  Focus on safety (take a cell phone if necessary).  After time out, try to communicate again in a calm way.  It can be helpful, during the time out, to consider the relationship goals you have.  These could be

Safety, sense of sanctuary
Respectful listening
Compromise (finding a “win-win”)
Unconditional positive regard
Honesty and openness
Staying connected even in conflict 
Taking responsibility for your actions and words

When trying to resolve conflict with your partner after the time out, take turns respectfully listening to each other: no interruptions or corrections while each speaks.  This is made much easier if you both limit your statements to about three sentences because it’s hard to remember and store much more than that.  A long speech or harangue is not effective.  Remember, you are not “selling” your point of view, you’re trying to connect.  A complete communication might go like this:

This is what I think happened:
I can take responsibility for my part of our conflict, which was:
I apologize for my part of what happened:
I had these thoughts about what happened:
Then I had these feelings about what happened:

My suggestion about how we could avoid this in future is:
You are trying to come up with a working communication process, not argue over the content of what happened.

The Skills of a Caring Apology

Inevitably, because we all have habits, sensitivities and needs that conflict with the expectations of others, we are going to offend or hurt another person, no matter how hard we try not to.  It’s just a fact of life.  We realize, or it’s pointed out to us, that we owe an apology and perhaps an amend.  What works? 

An apology is not a single thing.  It is a group of actions that constitute an attempt to repair a relationship that has suffered a disruption to trust.  When apology is offered in an intimate relationship, it is an attempt to repair not only trust, but safety, intimacy and the feeling of sanctuary that an emotionally close relationship should have.  The absence of apology, or a poorly-delivered apology can leave behind resentment in the other person; that resentment can become the tinder that sets off a new conflict. 

First, a few examples of what is not an apology:

1.  "I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't…." is not an apology, it's a shifting of blame for one's own actions onto the other person.
2.  "You made me feel x, so I did y."  Again, this is a shifting of blame away from one's own retaliatory action.  No-one makes us feel anything: we choose how we react emotionally to another, he or she doesn't.
3.  "I'm sorry if you felt…."   This is usually a sneaky way of criticizing the other person's emotional reaction.  Including the word "sorry" doesn't automatically make it an apology.
4.  "I'm sorry, I guess that's just the way I am."  This kind of statement is an indicator (and warning) that the offense will probably happen again because we can't be bothered to change our behaviour.  It is discounting of the other’s need for a different action from us.
5. "I'm sorry you're so sensitive about this."  This is an attack on how the other person perceived one's actions and again avoids responsibility for those actions.
6. “I was just kidding.  Don’t take things so seriously.”  A response of this kind will likely be heard as minimizing or rationalizing our actions which hurt.

A heartfelt, effective apology includes several skills.  While the list may be daunting, remember that not all of them need be employed in every situation that calls for reparative apology.  They can, though, expand our thinking about relationship repair.

1.  First, we take the internal step of putting aside of the other person's actions and words, if any, and focus exclusively on our own. 
2.  Enquiring about the impact our words and actions had on the other person.
3.  Taking seriously how the other person reacts emotionally to what we did.  We may not have had the same reaction our partner did if we were in their place, but we do need to acknowledge that each of us in entitled to our own unique emotional life.
4.  Taking full responsibility for our own words and actions.
5.  Empathizing with the impact we had on the other person.
6.  Expressing regret.
7.  Expressing an intention to be vigilant about not repeating those words and actions in the future.
8.  Offering to make it up to the other person.  This is a key concept that is frequently missed.  It’s better to offer a suggestion about how you could make it up rather than asking the other person how he or she wants you to make it up.  By making the effort to think of something, you show good intent and attunement, ideally, to the needs and desires of the other person.
9.  Asking for forgiveness after making it up, not before.
10.  Checking for left over feelings or thoughts. 

Here's how it could go.  The skills above are numbered after each sentence:

“Could you tell me how you felt and what you thought when I did what I did?” (2). [other person responds].  "I can certainly understand how you might react that way to what I did.” (3)  “After you explained what went on inside you I can see the negative impact I had.” (5)  “I really regret what I said and did and I’m sorry for hurting you.”(4)(6). “I’m going to pay better attention to what I’m doing so this doesn’t happen again” (7).  “I have an idea about how I could make it up to you.  Would you like to hear it?” (it’s less effective to ask the other person how they want you to make it up to them than if you make a suggestion: this shows you are attending and attuned).  (8)And later on: “My actions and words hurt you the other day.  I know we’ve talked about it, but I wonder if there’s anything left over you would like to discuss” (1 & 10). If nothing is left over, then move to completion: “I would really like your forgiveness.  Do you feel like you’re ready for that?” (9).

It seems perhaps counterintuitive, but the calming of conflict and the use of sincere, complete apology can actually strengthen a relationship.  If we respect ourselves and others by avoiding the escalation of conflict, we show caring about the heart of the relationship.  Apology sends the message that we are indeed concerned about how the other person feels inside and has the added benefit of relieving our own guilt or shame over our actions.