Turning Point Therapy

How is Therapy Transformative?

So many times people come into therapy wanting to know what happens, how does it work? What are we doing in therapy?  I think one of the important things we are doing is encouraging people to have a more intimate relationship with themselves. Without that relationship it is very difficult to make decisions, to create the life we want, to share ourselves and to love others. This relationship involves our whole body. We experience life by what flows through our body. It is not just an intellectual knowing, thinking about I am this or that, but it is taking in the whole of who we are. It is when we experience this flow of emotions, and sensation easily and without being overwhelmed that we feel alive with the richness and complexity of our life.

People who come to see me do not necessarily come in saying that they want a more intimate relationship with themselves. More often it is a result of some crisis where their life is not working in some way and they are in pain, and they want some way of stopping the pain. Understandable, who wants to feel pain? What is ironic is that the more we experience and build that relationship to ourselves we discover that we can withstand and recover from life's difficulties such as: rejection, betrayal, loss, humiliation.

We learn that we have strength and resilience. However, if we remain constricted and try to defend against pain we will remain powerless and fearful of life.  Our relationship with ourselves is therefore, crucial to embracing life.

How is the relationship with the therapist important in this process?

Whatever ‘issue’  we are wanting to deal: depression, anxiety, relationships, loss etc. As we examine the dynamics within ourselves we find our deepest hurts and emotional pain has, for the most part, come from relationships with significant others and their failure to recognize who we are. In other words, our feelings, desires, perspective etc was not important to those around us and we have had to adapt ourselves to deal with this. This adaptation has developed into ‘symptoms’ such as depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, low self esteem.  The relationship with the therapist provides an alternative experience of connection and facilitates a  transformation of the emotional pain we carry.

One of the biggest differences in therapy vs other relationships is that the therapist’s focus and attention is on the client. My personal struggles are taken care of elsewhere and do not intrude on or distract me from being present to my clients. This is the basic contract. This gives the message that their experience matters. With this message a space is created where the person can relax into their experience and take themselves seriously. In this way, the person is encouraged to develop their relationship with themselves. If we have not been taken seriously, we can see how important this process would be.

Now that doesn’t mean it is easy for people. Focusing on one's experience can be difficult, and for good reason. As we begin to focus on our internal, physical, emotional self – painful experiences are going to get stirred up. Creating safety is important in the relationship with the therapist so that this is manageable.  If we are overwhelmed we will just constrict further, and probably not want to return.

Safety

 A way to think about safety is through the experience of an infant as they begin to crawl and walk.  Our development comes by exploring the world and how it feels to us. The mother is (hopefully) paying attention to make sure her child doesn’t go too far and hurt themselves. And she is also not intruding on the child’s experience to prevent the child exploring, because of her own fear. Safety in therapy is similar by creating a space where you are not going too fast that you become overwhelmed, and not going too slow that nothing happens. Both of which reinforce a fear of life and living. This is the case with overprotective. They prevent the child from: having their own experience and learning by mistakes, give the message that the child’s desires are not ok, and that the world is a dangerous place.

Presence

A therapist's ability to be really tuned in to what is needed – is more than empathy or listening. It is sensing into, and being with another to facilitate a two way communication. The client experiences the therapist’s presence and attention to what is needed.  Perhaps there is a need for more space around an experience, or a little push to move out of too much comfort and protection.  If there is a sense of being overwhelmed then it is important to take a moment to slow it down, put our feet on the ground and feel supported before proceeding.  So as this is communicated and processed the person can relax one step at a time into their experience. Through this they gain confidence to experience life, and deal with what comes their way. We learn that we don’t have to restrict our experience in order to survive. 

We are hard wired to feel safe by our connection to others. Relationships are crucial to our ability to feel safe and recover from trauma. When our ability to form relationships and trust others has been compromised, it is difficult to create an experience of feeling safe in the world.

It is through this relationship with the therapist that safety and challenge provides a space to connect with yourself and others and transform emotional pain.